Idk

Finally, a blog entry after getting too busy with relationships. So what’s this post all about? Nothing just a rant on how piss I am and how I hate him. Yeah, he told me he loves me and there he is doing something else first, over me. I hate him, I really do. My head’s lava hot beyond water’s boiling level already.

I just can’t figure it out… or is it me being childish again. Being immature. I don’t think so… no one devotes his time in the wee hours of the evening for something else.

Now the question is… would it be better off with someone or would it be better off with the self?

I tried the benefits of singlehood already.

I also tried keeping a somewhat-a long 2 yrs-relationship.

And what’s more to try now?

I don’t know. I’m pissed.

And maybe if your the guy/girl wanting someone to love you. Maybe you should give back love. Someone deserves someone. You cannot just wish of a perfect guy for you. You should be as well the perfect girl for him. When you want love, give it. Don’t just get all of it. If someone gives time, give it back.

Okey, I know it’s not right expecting something in return. But, you know, it’s all about thinking of someone else more than the self. If you want a long and lasting relationship, maybe you should work with him/her. She/he can’t sustain it all alone believe me.

One day he’ll/she’ll be tired and gone. You’ll just ask yourself what happened. You can’t find an answer why it ended. You can’t move on, your stuck up thinking what went wrong… you don’t know why. And you’ll think maybe she/he already found someone else, or maybe that someone just don’t love you anymore…

you won’t find clear answers. You’ll have sleepless nights… thinking. Wondering what’s lost that cannot be found. You’ll be crying tears, full or regrets… don’t feel sad about it. Life is even, your pain’s  for all the times someone cried, waited, didn’t sleep just because of you.

So are you still lost??? if still lost…

Just ask him/her maybe she’ll just tell you… you were too busy with something else that you didn’t realize I became too tired loving you and that all wanted now is to love myself—the love I gave you that you don’t deserve and that you wasn’t able to give me back.

And I bet, you’ll stop thinking, coz now it’s you that’s busted.

love, now and always, 

Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don’t see it.
I fall in.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.


I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it’s still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.


I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It’s a habit.
I get out quicker this time.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don’t fall in.


I walk down a different street.



love, now and always, 

The Ouch Like No Other...

After 20 days of our break up, I saw you having the most beautiful smile of your life and it's not because of me now. You have a new girl, a new love, a new reason of living. 

And I... I don't cry anymore. I don't smile either. Nor I feel sadness. I don't feel pain. I am pain.

What's the sense of this now? nothing. This doesn't make sense to you anymore. If this was written months ago... this might have been the sweetest goodbye you'll consider having. But this isn't important at all anymore. 

When I'm sad, I think of all of the times we shared. I still remember it completely... the way you breathe through your headphones, how you look through the computer's screen and your typing mannerism was all unforgettable. Then I realize how computer based our relationship were. This online-love-affair, I should say, is better that it ended this way. No touch, no kisses, nothing real. It's virtual.

I used to analyze this past weeks if what we had was love... Is it? Or maybe it's just out of boredom. Maybe you needed someone to waste some of your extra time with. And maybe I am lucky enough to waste my time also with you. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone that's always ready to listen, to talk, who's always there? Who? Even cats might fall in love with a dog who always gives a fish bone. But is it really love? Or is it security? Maybe it's the security of the cat to have that fish bone everyday from that dog that the cat can't let go. The cat feels contented that it focused on the fish bone and didn't think that there are shark bones, whale bones and other types fish bones bigger and better than what the cat have. It's like me contented of having you. I feel safe with you. I'm secure that's why I ignored... no ignored wasn't an enough word... I blocked all choices coming when we are still together. I didn't realize the reality other men might have give.

For almost 3 months, I focused on you. Because I'm happy and secure with you. I thought with you everything is enough. And YES, it was enough for me until our last day. It was exactly what I wanted. 

But with moments of thinking, I realized that I settled to much on just what I have. I didn't strive for more. I remembered someone telling me that In life we have choices. We don't just grab it. Because we choose settle with what is there. We are too afraid to look for something better. For when we fail on better things, the failure is a lot bigger. And maybe that's what I did with you... An online love wouldn't hurt as much as a real life love. It's cut will virtually bleed. Virtual not actual. 

As I let of you, I let go the virtual part of me. Yes. I let me go. I let the imaginary flow out of my system. I wouldn't need that anymore. I used to say that I can love someone I haven't met just as I haven't met God but I love him... Then, I realized you are not God nor anyone of us. So I couldn't. I could never love an idea... As the cliche says, "It's only in the mind." I could like an idea... but love is a too strong term to feel. Or maybe it's just wanting. Loving is never WANTING. 

As I close the virtual book of our fairy tale, I bid goodbye to you and the imaginary world we created together.  I'm ready to face the real world for I tasted the heavens and hells of the imaginary. I got the best of it and the worst. And now it's about time to get the best of what the REAL LIFE's chances and choices have.

Beatitudes says that blessed are the broken hearts for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Some says broken hearts move on... but mine? It didn't move on... it moved out. 

love, now and always, 

Giving Up... It's always better to "give" than to receive!!!

Just because something feels good and seems good.

It doesn't mean we should pursue it right now and continue clinging to it....

Let's bear in mind that right things that comes at the wrong time IS STILL A WRONG THING.

No matter how crazy, funny and lovely the scenes around us, 

"it is always useless without the people you want to laugh, be crazy and fall in love with."

There's no right formula for Happiness...

Is it being FREE?

Maybe it's being true to yourself..

In reality though...its sad to say that sometimes we have to pretend just to make others happy...

And worst if...

It kills our own happiness. 

We have to be with people who treats us right and accepts us for who we really are...

and we SHOULD forget those who won't or can't...

Truth is the ultimate prize that not even friendship or love can pay.

It hurts to give up...

Especially our feelings for that one special-important person...

But sometime we have to give up because of pain...

It hurts to admit to ourselves...

That the one we are giving up...

Is the same person that can make us happy...

Is it better to enjoy life committing mistake and learn???

Rather than playing safe your entire life and learned nothing at all???

How come...

It's easy to say goodbye...

And yet, too hard to forget. 

Why? 

Is it because love is more than words can say.

More than the heart can feel?

or even more than the mind can imagine?

When we fall in love, we can't help but fall over and over again...

So even if the last goodbyes have been said.... 

There's something in the heart that says, 

"please stay" 

Why? 

Is it because its LOVE?

and the reason is for it is never KNOWN?

Beyond pain and heartaches...

will Love still will retain its pride, its sweetness, its MYSTERY?

Is it waiting? 

TRUE PATIENCE?

Is it the ABILITY TO WAIT FOR A VERY LONG PERIOD OF TIME?

or our ATTITUDE ON THE TIME OF WAITING?

But MAYBE we can summarize it in two words...

"GIVING UP..."

love, now and always,