When Someone Dies

Some years ago, I attended mass with a family of five: the married couple, two ladies older than me and my man friend. Their family are religious. I know for a time that their parents attended couple seminars that would make their relationship stronger. I know the two sisters too are very close to Christ. I'm not sure though if my man friend is as close to God. But I do know every Sunday their family go to Church, something my family often failed.


Several days ago, I dreamt about my man friend, dead in one of the most beautiful casket I've ever seen. It even beats the glass coffin our dear Snow White once laid. It was so fascinating to look into that you are flown away to paradise and confused why it was about death. This dream is weird... I'm dressed in white, admiring his beauty about to be buried 6 feet under and I'm not crying. 


When I woke up, I asked myself... is he dead? 


I opened my facebook the fastest way to get some death news nowadays. No post about it. Searched my friends if he was there, no signs of him. Could it be that his soul had the initiative of deleting his account? Checked my previous messages from him... none. 


I tried to remember the last time I talked to him. I can't remember the whole conversation. It was too long ago and I haven't heard anything about him too. But I know we had an argument, a little childish fight. I tried search the friends of my other friends, my man friend is nowhere to be found.


We argued, I remember. So, could he be on that place? I clicked my privacy setting and there "Blocked People and Apps" lying last. Clicked and Clicked and there he was. Though the memoirs of our fight is unclear, I'm quite sure it was a big fight. After removing him from the list of I wish I never knew this people, I refreshed and messaged him straight ahead... asking if he was dead and wishing he was alive. 


Then it hit me... no matter how bad and BIG BANG someone did to me when it comes to death, I care. We all care. 


When someone dies, we grieve, we regret, we cry, and we wish that at some point... death was just a dream and there's always a second chance to change things the way they are.

Love, now and always,

Mia        

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mia always dreamt of becoming 5'8" or higher that goes with the reason why she wears higher platforms. She wears lighter makeup these days because her MAN is particular with INNER beauty. She's the same old shopaholic you now, splurging over stuffs that a part goes to charity. Today, she is not writing blogs and promos anymore. She ventured into marketing... selling souls to the devil. And oh wait, on her spare time, she writes short stories of love with tragic ending. Some of her published works are "Cries, Cameras and Actions", "8 folds", "The Boat", "All for Carlie", "Ragnarok Online Love Story" and "Resume of Lovers". 

Myths about my death

I believe I will die early. Prolly, in my mid 40s or early 50s. Before any member of our family. My parents would grieve about my death, this will be mother's greatest heartache. My brothers will treat this as a wake up call that life is too short. Father is as strong as usual but with the greatest pain of them all.

I know it will be a painful death. Only I. But my physical death wouldn't be felt by anyone else but me... I won't be able to breathe. I would feel every single pain. All the pasts pains will come back. I wouldn't scream. There won't be any marks of blood. I will cry. Then my heart will just suddenly stop beating.

No one will know the exact time of my death or how I died, for everyone was at rest. I will die between midnight and sunrise. I will die in the time where you have crossed the boundaries of reality, where you have reached the place of dreams and of fantasies.

When the sun shines, you will see my dead body-hard. You will hold me,cold. Feel my heart beat. none. call an ambulance. no. you will cry. I'm dead.

love, now and always,

Overcome…

How many times have I tried killing myself?

I’m way too sure that I tried killing myself 5 times…

The 1st attempt was when I was 5 yrs old. I mixed vetsin with ice tea and drank it all. Vetsin was rumored to kill people? Dunno if it’s true but that’s how I see it before. The 1st attempt wasn’t successful. The ice tea and vetsin had a weird taste; not good, not bad and not enough to kill me. After drinking a liter, I felt dizzy… I fainted.

I woke up in the sofa with my Lola waiting for me back to life, worried. I thought it was heaven or hell when I’ll open my eyes again but no I was in our house. Didn’t even bring me to the hospital... who would want a gossip of a mentally-ill 5 yrs old? No one.

The 2nd attempt was when I was still in SPC. I used the blind cord to kill me. Standed on a higher place, wrap it on my neck, jumped… the first 10 secs is perfect… I wasn’t breathing for awhile, closed my eyes, still not breathing, it’s working…I’m dying! Then suddenly, a heated pain in the neck started bleeding. Ouch. When you feel pain, you’re still alive. OMG. I’m alive… The neck scar is still visible to this date—the sign of pain, the sign of life.

The 3rd, 4th and 5th are all the same, used the traditional way of slicing my pulse. But none of it succeeded. None of it even went to hospital authorities. None and kept inside the family, forgotten over the years. Forgotten.

The lines are not that visible anymore. The lines formed its lies—not telling the whole world—I don’t want to live.

Who would want to live in a cruel world like this? I outlived MJ, outlived Elvis, outlived Diana, outlive M.Theresa. Will die after this great people. Who am I to lose? I’m not of bigger value.

Million times thought of killing myself in a car accident. Will I die? If I bump my car somewhere dangerous would God grant another life, another breathe? Would God still want me to live? What if I really want to die? I want to.

TAKE ME NOW.

***PS. This is the product of my boredom. Don’t freak and panic. I wouldn’t kill myself… Relax.

love, now and always,

Mommy, I love you, you know...

“Papa, pano na tayo?” –Joshua Meneses, 6 years old.


Could this be true? As I type each letter of this blog post, I still hope that somewhere in the middle and before I submit this post, I would wake up in the reality—that it’s all a dream—my Grand Mother is still alive.

I was just being close to her, spending a holiday with her in Singapore.

I was just with her exploring SG.


I was just flying back home with her here to Philippines.

I was just starting to feel her. She was just starting to feel me.

And now she’s gone.




All my younger years, I was brought up by my grand grand mother, Inang. I live with her, spent most of my childhood with her and loved her more than anyone else in this world.


I never had the chance to be closer to my grand mother, Mommy. Even if she lives in the house next to ours, I seldom talk to her. All I know, way back, is that she hates my family, Mama particularly.


But as I grew older, I realized that, “that’s just the way it goes.” Mommy isn’t the open one. She’s too private. She keeps things by herself. She’s full of surprises. She’s totally unpredictable. You’ll hate her at times; you’ll love her all the time. You will think you perfectly know her, but then again, you don’t. That’s how Mommy is.


She’s too strong. She cries all the time. Her tears easily flow down her cheeks. But when she cries, she’s not hurting. She never really tells it when she’s really in pain.


“It feels cold here now. Nararamdaman ko nandito ka Mommy.”


I never thought that I would be closer to here. I thought, “it’ll be just like that for life.” I’m happy that I surprised her in her 70th birthday. I’m glad I was able to spend a vacation with her. I was given a chance to be closer to her and I’m glad I didn’t waste it.


I’m glad I opened up myself to her and she shared herself to me. I’m glad that I was able to cook her breakfast, walk with her around Singapore, advised her about what make up, clothes, bag, etc. suit her.


I’m glad she thought me how to cook Sinigang… that I haven’t cooked ever since she thought me. I’m glad she told me stories of her life. I’m thankful she cooked for my birthday. I thankful she thought me the things I wouldn’t know about love, about life.


~o~


Jamie: Mommy, bakit kaya si Mama at Papa, high school pa naging sila, eh hindi parin nagsasawa?

Mommy: Ganun talaga pag mahal mo. Ako nga wala na si Daddy pero hinahanap-hanap ko parin.


Who else would throw these words sincerely? Only mommy can explain how long, lasting love is with not much explanation.


~o~


Jamie: Joshua, tanungin mo nga si mommy kung sino ang paborito niyang apo?


(pumunta si Joshua kay Mommy pagkatapos bumalik…)


Joshua: Ikaw daw po!


(ako naman ang nagtanong kay Mommy)


Jamie: Mommy, sino po ang paborito nyo apo?

Mommy: Si Joshua.


That’s how Mommy is. You know who her favorite is… but she’s at the same time fair to everyone.


Inspiring things I learned from Mommy:



In cross stitching:


“Maganda dba? Mahirap gawin pero maganda.”


In singing:

“Hindi naman importante kung maganda o pangit ang boses mo, ang mahalaga masaya kang kumakanta.”


In being a teacher:
“Dati may studyante ko pinalo ko makulit kasi. Akala nila hindi masakit sa teacher mamalo ng studyante kahit makulit pero ang totoo higit pa sa physical na sakit ang nararamdaman ng teacher.”

In family:

“Kaya ako nag anak ng marami kasi nung bata ako malungkot pala ang mag-isa. Masarap at masaya ang madaming anak at kapamilya”


There’s a lot more that she thought me, there’s even more that I learned from her. I can never write it all, however, it stays and sticks in my mind and heart.

Is there a way she’ll be back? I can trade 10 yrs of my life for another year or even for one more day…


Para sa isa pang araw na makausap siya,

sa isa pang araw na makulit siya,

isa pang araw na maglambing sa kanya,

sa isa pang araw na mayakap siya,

para sa isa pang araw na makalaro siya,

sa isa pang araw na marinig ang himig niya,

para sa isa pang araw na masabi kong mahal ko siya.

Mommy, Inang would be jelous, but I really loved you like her. I actually think that I love you like Inang.

I’m sorry if I never had the chance… but I love you Mommy… always will!

love, now and always,

I can’t DIE now!!!

Oh my GOD!!!

One of our Professors gave us a task to make our own obituary and it was really creepy. I realized, I still don’t wanna die. Actually, I’m not ready for it. 

I can’t yet cause I got 3 reasons:

(1) I’m too young to die. I haven’t proved anything in this world.

(2) I can’t leave my family yet cause they are all looking forward for what will be my achievements in the future 

(3) I haven’t told someone how I love him so much… and I can’t die without telling him cause I don’t wanna go back on earth to tell him coz it might just scare him L… 

Bu anyway take a look at my obituary… sorry I suck at this.. I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!!

   

Jamie Laine S. Meneses, age 19, died at Intramuros, Manila on Sunday, June 25, 2006, after a short illness.

She was born June 23, 1987, in the Town of San Miguel, Bulacan, the second of three siblings born to Jaime and Lalaine Meneses. She attended St. Paul College Grade School and graduated from School of Mount St. Mary High School in 2004. She is supposed to graduate College on 2007 in Manila Times School Journalism.

She grew up and lived most of her life in San Miguel, Bulacan. She moved to Intramuros, Manila in May, 2004. 

She is survived by her mother, Lalaine & father, Jaime; two brothers, James and Jamie. She was preceded in death by her great grandmother, Potenciana Evangelista, her grandfathers, Toribio Santos & Juanito Meneses.

Funeral services for Jamie Laine S. Meneses at 1:00 p.m., Wednesday, June 28, at St. Michael Parish Church. The Rev. Father Javier, will officiate. Entombment will be in Sta. Rita Memorial Cemetery at 4:00pm. Relatives and friends are welcome at the Funeraria San Miguel Funeral Home on Monday from 3:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. and at the church, on Wednesday, from 10:00 a.m. until the hour of services.

A memorial fund has been established in her name.

love, now and always,