Mommy, I love you, you know...

“Papa, pano na tayo?” –Joshua Meneses, 6 years old.


Could this be true? As I type each letter of this blog post, I still hope that somewhere in the middle and before I submit this post, I would wake up in the reality—that it’s all a dream—my Grand Mother is still alive.

I was just being close to her, spending a holiday with her in Singapore.

I was just with her exploring SG.


I was just flying back home with her here to Philippines.

I was just starting to feel her. She was just starting to feel me.

And now she’s gone.




All my younger years, I was brought up by my grand grand mother, Inang. I live with her, spent most of my childhood with her and loved her more than anyone else in this world.


I never had the chance to be closer to my grand mother, Mommy. Even if she lives in the house next to ours, I seldom talk to her. All I know, way back, is that she hates my family, Mama particularly.


But as I grew older, I realized that, “that’s just the way it goes.” Mommy isn’t the open one. She’s too private. She keeps things by herself. She’s full of surprises. She’s totally unpredictable. You’ll hate her at times; you’ll love her all the time. You will think you perfectly know her, but then again, you don’t. That’s how Mommy is.


She’s too strong. She cries all the time. Her tears easily flow down her cheeks. But when she cries, she’s not hurting. She never really tells it when she’s really in pain.


“It feels cold here now. Nararamdaman ko nandito ka Mommy.”


I never thought that I would be closer to here. I thought, “it’ll be just like that for life.” I’m happy that I surprised her in her 70th birthday. I’m glad I was able to spend a vacation with her. I was given a chance to be closer to her and I’m glad I didn’t waste it.


I’m glad I opened up myself to her and she shared herself to me. I’m glad that I was able to cook her breakfast, walk with her around Singapore, advised her about what make up, clothes, bag, etc. suit her.


I’m glad she thought me how to cook Sinigang… that I haven’t cooked ever since she thought me. I’m glad she told me stories of her life. I’m thankful she cooked for my birthday. I thankful she thought me the things I wouldn’t know about love, about life.


~o~


Jamie: Mommy, bakit kaya si Mama at Papa, high school pa naging sila, eh hindi parin nagsasawa?

Mommy: Ganun talaga pag mahal mo. Ako nga wala na si Daddy pero hinahanap-hanap ko parin.


Who else would throw these words sincerely? Only mommy can explain how long, lasting love is with not much explanation.


~o~


Jamie: Joshua, tanungin mo nga si mommy kung sino ang paborito niyang apo?


(pumunta si Joshua kay Mommy pagkatapos bumalik…)


Joshua: Ikaw daw po!


(ako naman ang nagtanong kay Mommy)


Jamie: Mommy, sino po ang paborito nyo apo?

Mommy: Si Joshua.


That’s how Mommy is. You know who her favorite is… but she’s at the same time fair to everyone.


Inspiring things I learned from Mommy:



In cross stitching:


“Maganda dba? Mahirap gawin pero maganda.”


In singing:

“Hindi naman importante kung maganda o pangit ang boses mo, ang mahalaga masaya kang kumakanta.”


In being a teacher:
“Dati may studyante ko pinalo ko makulit kasi. Akala nila hindi masakit sa teacher mamalo ng studyante kahit makulit pero ang totoo higit pa sa physical na sakit ang nararamdaman ng teacher.”

In family:

“Kaya ako nag anak ng marami kasi nung bata ako malungkot pala ang mag-isa. Masarap at masaya ang madaming anak at kapamilya”


There’s a lot more that she thought me, there’s even more that I learned from her. I can never write it all, however, it stays and sticks in my mind and heart.

Is there a way she’ll be back? I can trade 10 yrs of my life for another year or even for one more day…


Para sa isa pang araw na makausap siya,

sa isa pang araw na makulit siya,

isa pang araw na maglambing sa kanya,

sa isa pang araw na mayakap siya,

para sa isa pang araw na makalaro siya,

sa isa pang araw na marinig ang himig niya,

para sa isa pang araw na masabi kong mahal ko siya.

Mommy, Inang would be jelous, but I really loved you like her. I actually think that I love you like Inang.

I’m sorry if I never had the chance… but I love you Mommy… always will!

love, now and always,

The Boat and The Lake

I’m goddamn sure I have feelings for him… before. I like him so much, that “much” isn’t enough to justify it.

For almost 5 years, I’m in loving-hating-loving this man. When I talk/chat/txt/communicate with him, it feels like my heart stops to beat for awhile, time freezes moving, my breathe holds on and it’s just him that revolves-evolves around me.

But it doesn’t go the same way around him…. For him, I’m just a friend. Prolly, someone like sister or a girl buddy. It took me sometime to finally realize that. It took me like 4 and ½ years to finally understand that our friendship would never blossom to something special.

He still keeps a special place in my heart. He’s the guy I hold hands with on one of my very special day—the hands I hold on tight before are the hands I fully let go now.

I thought I wouldn’t ever let go. I thought I will never forget about him. I thought I’ll be forever stuck, going back, crawling over him… but NO. I already forget about it. I actually forgot about his birthday—that I never forget since the day met him. I even deleted him in my ym and contacts and never made the move to save it again. I have a copy of it but I place it somewhere I almost forgotten. I don’t bug him anymore like before.

I realized that my happiness isn’t the same as his happiness. I’m happy with him, he's not happy with me. “Maybe the cupid who shut my heart missed in shutting his.” So ang ending ako mahal ko siya, siya hindi ako mahal.

But come to think of it… I still love him. I’ve known him for a long time. Now, I only love him like a brother and a friend, nothing more and sensual about it. I’ve move on with the space and time he gave and I thank him for that.

We never started and never ended love… we now have the love of long and lasting friendship that never ends.

It's never US but at least we tried… I have a thing for you before. You gave me a chance. It’s just it didn’t prosper.
Whenever I see a boat in the water, I always think of you. I think of myself as the lake on those days, that you where just there to float, and will never sink to be with me...

love, now and always,