The Boat and The Lake

I’m goddamn sure I have feelings for him… before. I like him so much, that “much” isn’t enough to justify it.

For almost 5 years, I’m in loving-hating-loving this man. When I talk/chat/txt/communicate with him, it feels like my heart stops to beat for awhile, time freezes moving, my breathe holds on and it’s just him that revolves-evolves around me.

But it doesn’t go the same way around him…. For him, I’m just a friend. Prolly, someone like sister or a girl buddy. It took me sometime to finally realize that. It took me like 4 and ½ years to finally understand that our friendship would never blossom to something special.

He still keeps a special place in my heart. He’s the guy I hold hands with on one of my very special day—the hands I hold on tight before are the hands I fully let go now.

I thought I wouldn’t ever let go. I thought I will never forget about him. I thought I’ll be forever stuck, going back, crawling over him… but NO. I already forget about it. I actually forgot about his birthday—that I never forget since the day met him. I even deleted him in my ym and contacts and never made the move to save it again. I have a copy of it but I place it somewhere I almost forgotten. I don’t bug him anymore like before.

I realized that my happiness isn’t the same as his happiness. I’m happy with him, he's not happy with me. “Maybe the cupid who shut my heart missed in shutting his.” So ang ending ako mahal ko siya, siya hindi ako mahal.

But come to think of it… I still love him. I’ve known him for a long time. Now, I only love him like a brother and a friend, nothing more and sensual about it. I’ve move on with the space and time he gave and I thank him for that.

We never started and never ended love… we now have the love of long and lasting friendship that never ends.

It's never US but at least we tried… I have a thing for you before. You gave me a chance. It’s just it didn’t prosper.
Whenever I see a boat in the water, I always think of you. I think of myself as the lake on those days, that you where just there to float, and will never sink to be with me...

love, now and always,